The Tunnel
by Shonetta
Summary: Post-Endgame. Janeway must face up to the past to reclaim her future. Old-story reposted. J/C.


**_Star Trek Voyager _characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

_**Warning!** While this story does not directly depict sex or violence, it deals with the subject of rape._

_Note: This was one of the first stories I wrote so it is not as well-developed as some of my more recent ones. It is re-posted here due to (impending) closure of geocities. _

**The Tunnel**

Kathryn Janeway walked slowly through barren woodland. A blanket of dead leaves covered the ground and they rustled as she walked through them. Molly wandered close by, sniffing the stumps of trees and bringing a twig every now and then for her mistress to throw. Kathryn took the twig from her and threw it as far as she could. Molly ran after it, her red coat gleaming in the winter sun. Kathryn could hardly believe they were together again. Never would she have imagined Molly would remember her, but the dog had recognized her old mistress the moment she saw her. The animal was old now, but she could still run as fast as the wind. From the corner of her eye, Kathryn saw a figure of a man approach in the distance. She turned towards it, sheltering her eyes from the cold, but bright, sun. The figure drew closer. Her heart sank and her stomach churned in panic when she saw it was Chakotay. She didn't want to see him. It always hurt too much to see him.

"I thought I'd find you here," he smiled as he reached her.

Kathryn did not return his smile. "What do you want?"

Chakotay's eyes dulled with pain. He had expected their meeting to be awkward, but their friendship had always been strong. As it was his love that was unrequited, he thought that so long as he could deal with his feelings, there was no need for their friendship to suffer.

"I just wanted to see you," he said quietly.

"Then you should have told me you were coming" she replied, looking away from the pain in his eyes. "I'm going to stay with Phoebe this weekend and I have lots to do. I really don't have time to see you right now." Phoebe's husband was away and she was going crazy with just the children for company.

"Don't have time or don't want to?" Chakotay asked, hurt beginning to manifest itself in anger. "Ever since my birthday you've avoided me. I'm sorry I said what I did. I never meant to upset you. The last thing I wanted was to ruin our friendship."

Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes and she looked up at him. "You'll never be happy with just friendship, Chakotay. You've always wanted more. It isn't fair to stay in your life when I can never give you what you want."

"I know how you feel, Kathryn. But we can still be friends. We've been through so much together."

"And we'll always have the memories. But I think it's better if we don't see each other any more."

"But..."

"I mean it, Chakotay. I don't want to see you anymore. I don't want to see you as a friend, as a comrade, as anything. I don't want any letters, any messages, any visits. Nothing, understand?"

A tear ran down Chakotay's cheek. "Kathryn..."

Kathryn turned in Molly's direction and whistled. The dog obediently came running.

"Now," Kathryn continued before her strength failed, "I really must return to the cottage."

Without another word, without even a good-bye, she began to walk in the direction of the nineteenth century Irish cottage that seemed frozen in time. Chakotay watched her disappear inside and felt his life, his soul, go with her.

* * *

Kathryn and her sister sat on the sofa watching an old romantic movie. It was late and the children were asleep.

"Remember how we used to love watching these in the old days?" Phoebe said, passing a box of chocolates to Kathryn. Kathryn took the box and took out a coffee cream.

"Yes," she said quietly.

"You'd always get teary and then say there was something in your eye," Phoebe continued. "You'd never admit to being a romantic."

Phoebe bit into a chocolate and watched as a man on the screen took a woman in his arms and kissed her passionately. Kathryn stilled at the scene and her stomach began to churn. When the man undressed the woman and began to make love to her, Kathryn felt as though she was going to heave. She stood up, clutching her stomach.

"Excuse me," she said tearfully, and left the room.

Phoebe stood up and called after her. "Kathryn?"

But she had left. Phoebe looked at the screen again, taking in the image, and then followed her sister out of the room. She found her in the toilet under the stairs. She was kneeling on the floor, clearly having been sick, and was crying heavily. Phoebe went over to her, knelt beside her, and put her arm around her.

"Kathryn, honey, what is it?"

Kathryn lay her head on her sister's shoulder and just wept against her. Phoebe cradled her.

"It's alright, Kathryn, everything's alright."

"No it's not," Kathryn wept. "It will never be alright again ... never again."

"What, honey? What won't be alright?"

Kathryn made no answer, just wept.

"Please, Kathryn, what's this about?"

Kathryn clung tight to her, her heart breaking. "It hurt so much, Phoebe ... so much..."

Phoebe stroked her sister's hair, her own stomach beginning to churn as a realization, a horrifying realization, began to dawn on her. It was a long moment before she was able to ask the last question she wanted to ask.

"Were you ... were you raped?"

There was no answer, but then Kathryn nodded against her. Phoebe wept herself now and held her sister tight against her. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn, I'm so sorry."

Kathryn wept in Phoebe's arms a long time.

At last she was still, and Phoebe drew away from her.

"Let's go back to the living room. I'll make us both a drink. Then, if you want, you can tell me  
what happened."

Kathryn nodded. "I would like that. I've never talked of it, not with anyone."

* * *

Phoebe replicated two mugs of hot chocolate and then brought them over to the couch. Kathryn was sitting there quietly. Her face was pale, and for the first time, Phoebe noticed dark shadows under her eyes. She handed her sister the mug of chocolate and Kathryn took it gratefully. She then sat beside her.

"In your own time, Kathryn," Phoebe said gently.

Kathryn took a sip of her drink and then held it on her lap. She stared into the brown chocolate, almost as if it was a pool of memories.

"We were on an away mission. Chakotay, B'Elanna, Neelix and I. Chakotay and I used to do a lot of away missions together in the old days. We were visiting a planet, collecting samples. We didn't know the planet was occupied. Aliens found us and took us prisoner. We were thrown into a cell together, left there for hours. Then an alien came to us. I told him who we were, where we were from, and that if they'd release us, we'd return right away to our ship and leave them in peace. He said it wasn't up to him, that I'd have to speak to his superiors. I said I would. Chakotay wanted to come with me, but the guard insisted that I went alone. I thought it would be alright, didn't think they would..." Tears welled in her eyes and Phoebe saw her battle with the memories, battle to talk about them. "He took me to his superior. It was a nice room, you know. It was modern, sunny." She paused. "Coran his name was, the superior. He asked me who I was. I told him, asked him to let us go. He looked me up and down, questioned me, asked me about Voyager, our journey. I told him everything, how far away we were from home. But he didn't seem to be listening, just seemed to be looking at me."

She took a sip of her drink, a moment's escape from the memories.

"He touched me, my face. I recoiled. I remember that. He laughed, touched me again." A tear ran down her cheek. "He said I was beautiful, said I should be touched. He told me he wanted me. He said that..." She paused, struggled. "I was afraid now. I told him to let us go, let us return to our ship. He just laughed again, told me what an interesting woman I was. He said he would let me go when he was good and ready. He said I had to earn my freedom." She began to weep again. Phoebe put down her chocolate and took Kathryn's from her, fearing she might spill it. She then drew her sister against her and Kathryn gladly leant into her embrace.

"Go on, honey," Phoebe encouraged gently.

"He told me to lie on the floor," Kathryn continued. "I wouldn't... protested. He hit me, pushed me to the floor. I was dazed, knocked my head, was bleeding." She wept heavily. "I felt two arms grab me, hold me down..." Phoebe held her tighter, kissed her hair. "So much pain," Kathryn wept, "so much pain."

"I'm so sorry, Kathryn," Phoebe said again, not knowing what else to say. "I'm so very sorry."

"I tried to block it out, what was happening. I tried to think of home ... tried to think of Voyager ... But I couldn't. The pain just brought me back to where I was, what was happening. I was so afraid ... I thought it would never stop..." More tears, more struggles. "I screamed. I know I screamed."

Phoebe kissed her, cradled her, saying again that she was sorry.

"When it was over, the guard pulled me to my feet. I could hardly stand, move ... so much pain ... bleeding. He said I had earned my freedom, laughed, told the guard to take me away, let us go." She paused. "He took me back to the cell ... to the others. I remember voices ... shouting... I remember crying when I saw Chakotay, remember holding onto him, clinging to him. I couldn't think, couldn't feel the pain, just held onto him. I heard B'Elanna shouting, asking what they'd done to me. The guard didn't say anything, said we were free to go, could contact our ship ... I heard Chakotay say something to Neelix. His voice was sharp, but his touch gentle." She paused. "Then we were in sickbay. Chakotay drew me away from him. We were alone, just him and the doctor. There was so much pain in his eyes. I will never forget. He knew. He knew what they had done to me. My clothes were torn ... was bleeding. The Doctor told him I needed to be treated, that he should wait outside. He did, and the Doctor helped me to a bed. I was a robot, mechanical, going through the motions. I couldn't feel ... was empty." She paused again. "He treated me, was going to put me to sleep, but I panicked then, didn't want to sleep, wanted to be in control, had to know, had to be in control. So he treated me awake." She closed her eyes, held tight to her sister. "When he was done, I turned off his program. I had to, Phoebe. I had no choice. I couldn't have people know. I had to be the captain. I altered his memory. I had to be in control, forced myself. Too many people depending on me. I then reactivated him and it worked. He remembered only that I had been attacked."

Phoebe stroked her hair, soothing her.

"He then called Chakotay in," Kathryn continued, "told him my condition, the nature of my injuries. They thought I couldn't hear, but I heard every word. Chakotay asked him if I'd been raped. He asked it plain. But the Doctor said no, said I'd only been beaten. Chakotay asked if he was sure, absolutely sure, and the doctor said without a doubt." Her tears fell steadily onto Phoebe's sweater. "But Chakotay didn't believe him. He asked me later, when we were alone, asked me to tell him what had happened. I told him that I'd just been attacked, stabbed, that's why there was blood. I don't know how I did it, don't know how I lied so well, but he believed me eventually, accepted it." She paused. "I stayed in my quarters for a few days, but slowly got back into routine. But it never left me. I had nightmares, terrible nightmares, and couldn't bear the thought of ... you know ... being intimate. I distanced myself from Chakotay, distanced myself from everyone. I hated myself, felt dirty, so dirty. I took baths all the time. I wanted to clean myself of him ... was never clean. I cut my hair as I wanted to leave every trace of the woman I was behind." She was silent, remembering. "To the crew I was the same, I think, just not with Chakotay. I wasn't comfortable with him any more. He was a man and ... and I knew how he felt about me, what he wanted. And I couldn't ... wasn't ready ... felt sick at the thought." She wept again. "And yet I loved him. I'd been forced to let go of Mark, you see, knew he would have moved on with his life, that I had to move on with mine. And Chakotay he was just ... I loved him so much. He was so kind, so gentle, and I hadn't felt that way since ... since Justin. Never thought I could again. Maybe that was my punishment ... the rape ... for loving Chakotay, not Mark anymore..."

"No, Kathryn," Phoebe said firmly. "You must never believe that, never. You'd lost Mark. He'd married someone else ... It wasn't your fault what happened, never your fault. You had every right to love Chakotay."

"I wanted too, but I couldn't. But that was alright. I had protocol, could use Mark as an excuse." She paused. "But then I got that letter from Mark saying he had married someone else and everything went wrong afterwards. I was scared, so scared. I knew Chakotay would push now and I couldn't tell him. And yet I wanted too. For a moment, just a moment, I thought I could, but when it came to it I couldn't. I couldn't deal with it." She wept bitterly. "I can never be what he needs. He needs a proper woman, a woman like Seven ... someone beautiful, sexy, someone who can be what he needs."

Phoebe continued to stroke her hair. "What he needs is to know the truth."

"No," Kathryn said, looking up at her. "No, he can never know the truth."

Phoebe tucked her hair behind her ear. "If he knows, he can help you."

"No," Kathryn cried. "Don't you understand? She's gone. The woman I was, she's gone. The sister you knew, she's gone. The woman Chakotay fell in love with, she's gone." She wept. "I've tried everything to get her back again. I thought he would help me ... he reminded me of Chakotay, but was just a hologram."

"Who?"

"Michael Sullivan, a character Tom created. He had dark hair, the same sweetness of temperament as Chakotay. I thought that if I could get through it with him, I'd be alright with Chakotay. He was a hologram, could be controlled. It was a game, just like with Kashyk, just a different game. I hated Kashyk. He reminded me of Coran. I knew he was manipulating me and so I manipulated him in return. I was so hurt, so angry. When he kissed me, I kissed him back with some of that anger, that hatred. It wasn't passion, wasn't love, wasn't feeling. It was cold, empty, hateful." A tear ran down her cheek. "But Michael, he was ... the pleasures ... the feelings ... I couldn't do that ... couldn't enjoy ... But I managed it. I managed to kiss him. I mean, a real kiss. It was hard at first, drew away, but he was just a hologram, imagined he was Chakotay." She paused. "But it didn't help, didn't make me ready for Chakotay. I knew he wasn't real, knew Chakotay would ... you know ... would respond ... "

Phoebe put her hand on Kathryn's arm. "You need to talk to someone, Kathryn, a counselor."

She nodded. "I know. I just ... I just feel so abnormal. No one is scared of intimacy, no one."

Phoebe took her sister's hand and squeezed it tight. "What happened to you was horrific. These feelings, these fears, they're not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You were a victim."

Kathryn looked up at her. "I know that. I know it was out of my control. But I also know it was nothing like what I experienced with Mark, with Justin, what I could experience with Chakotay. I know all that, so why am I afraid? Why can't I be like I was before?"

"Because you were raped, Kathryn. They took something good and they made it into something bad. For years you've kept all this to yourself and you know what they say about still water, it stagnates. Thought has chased thought, fear has chased fear, and they've scarred you." She squeezed Kathryn's hand again. "But you can beat this. You can beat the bastards who did this to you, and you can reclaim your life."

"How, Phoebe?"

"By talking with a Counselor, by trusting Chakotay, letting him help you..."

Kathryn shook her head. "I can't do that to him. He needs to find someone else ... someone who can be what he needs."

"He needs you, Kathryn.."

"No. He'll be better off with someone else." She wept. "And yet the thought ... it hurts so much. When the Admiral told me Chakotay and Seven had married, I wanted to scream. He was mine. I always thought of him as mine." She paused. "But it was a lie, all a lie. I asked her before she left Voyager, the Admiral, asked her if it was really true. She didn't answer at first, then she told me, told me she had lied, wanted to shock me into helping myself. She told me Seven married Harry and it was Harry who was devastated. She said that Chakotay and Seven had dated for a few weeks, were dating already, but that nothing came of it because Chakotay still loved me." Tears ran down her cheeks. "She said that after Seven's death, I changed. She said it was my fault she died, that I sent her on an away mission against her will. She said the guilt destroyed me."

Kathryn picked up her chocolate, took a sip, her mouth dry, and then continued.

"She said that Chakotay was ill for a long time, injured during an attack on Voyager, blinded. She said that before he died, he told her that he loved her, had always loved her, but that he had missed her, that for years she had been a stranger to him, a stranger to herself. He said he missed the woman she had been. She told me she had missed her too, that she wanted to be her again. She said she wanted to be me." Kathryn wept softly. "I screamed at her, told her she couldn't want to be me, that I didn't want to be me. She seized me, spoke sharply, told me it wasn't too late for me, that I could change, that I could have a future with Chakotay. She said it was all up to me. She said that if I had suffered like she had done, I would want to be me too, to be a me who could still hope." She paused. "She said a lot of things, talked a long time. She helped me, made me believe that I really could change." She took another drink. "But then, when we got back, I lost it, lost that faith. Even when Chakotay told me he still loved me, I couldn't get it back." She paused. "And yet I love him so much. I want to be with him, want him to hold me, to touch me. I want to sleep in his arms, want to wake up with him..."

"And you can have that, Kathryn," Phoebe said gently, "all of that."

Kathryn shook her head. "I can't give him ... you know ... I want to ... but I feel sick, just the thought." She paused. "I was sick for days after what happened with Jaffen. I managed to keep it up, once my memory had come back, the pretense ... But just thinking of what I had done made me feel so sick. I didn't want him to stay on Voyager. Told him that if he did, there could be nothing between us. I knew he wouldn't stay at that..."

Phoebe brushed her sister's hair away from her face. "You have to fight this, Kathryn. You have to reclaim your life. When Daddy and Justin died, you told me you could never fly again, could never go in another space craft. But you managed it. You conquered your fear. This is no different."

"I want to Phoebe," Kathryn said, turning to her, "please don't think I don't want too. I'm just scared." She wept. "How can I say that to him? How can I tell him that?"

"He'll understand, Kathryn. He loves you. He'll want to help you. You just have to want to help yourself."

"I do, I ... I must ... And if it was anyone other than Chakotay, then perhaps, but I've hurt him so much in the past. He's better off without me."

"No, Kathryn. And if he knew..."

"He must never know." A tear ran down her cheek. "Promise me you won't tell him, Phoebe. Promise me."

Phoebe hesitated, but then nodded. Kathryn smiled softly. Then she put down her chocolate and stood up.

"I'm tired now. I just want to go to bed."

"Alright," Phoebe said, standing herself. She put down her chocolate and then drew her sister close. "It will be alright, Kathryn. I promise you everything will be alright."

Kathryn responded to her embrace and they held each other a while. Then Kathryn left. Phoebe watched her go and as soon as the door shut behind her, her anger began to surface. She sat down, her breathing rapid, the anger boiling. She wanted to kill the men who had done this. She picked up a cushion and flung it across the room. Then she buried her head in her hands and wept.

* * *

_Two Months Later_

The rain beat against the window. Kathryn sat on a whitewashed windowseat, an embroidered cushion behind her, and looked out at the fields stretching for miles before her. Her tears fell in rhythm to the rain and, with a trembling hand, she reached across to her oak coffee table and poured herself yet another glass of Vodka. Coffee was a beverage of the past now. The door bell rang, but she ignored it. It ran again, again. She just gulped down the Vodka and then closed her eyes, shutting out the world. Her sister's voice disturbed her solitude. She had let herself in uninvited.

"I just heard from Lorena. You didn't show up at the counseling session today."

"I'm not going any more," Kathryn replied, curling herself into a ball.

Phoebe went over to her and sat beside her. "But you've been doing so well."

Kathryn looked up at her, tears streaming down her cheeks. "No, Phoebe. It's just words. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't change what happened. It doesn't make it all go away." She wept softly. "All I want is for it all to go away."

Phoebe put her hand on her sister's shoulder. "I know, honey. But you've got to keep seeing Lorena. This is the third session you've missed now. It's never going to get better if you don't talk about it."

"I'm tired of talking. No one understands."

"Lorena understands. You told me she understands."

"But she doesn't give me answers, she just asks all the questions."

"Give her a chance, Kathryn. You've only been to a few sessions. You've got to give her a chance." She took the glass from Kathryn's hand. "You're certainly not going to get any answers from this."

"It helps me to forget," Kathryn whispered. "It helps me to forget everything." A tear ran down her cheek. "I miss him so much."

"Chakotay?"

Kathryn nodded. "It hurts in my heart. I keep remembering his face ... the last time I saw him. I told him I never wanted to see him again. I wish he was here. I wish I could say I was sorry, that I didn't mean it. I want him here."

Phoebe took Kathryn's hand in hers. "You've got to tell him, Kathryn. You've got to let him help you."

Kathryn shook her head. "No, I'll be alright. I have Lorena. I like her, I do. I'm sorry I let her down today. She's so kind, so nice to me. I like talking to her. She's like a friend..."

She was sleepy now, her words slurry.

"Come on, Kathryn," Phoebe said, "let's get you to the couch."

She helped Kathryn over to the couch and lay her down.

"I'm sorry," Kathryn muttered, "I'm sorry I didn't go..."

"It's alright," Phoebe said, wiping away a tear. "There are plenty more times..."

"Plenty more," Kathryn echoed, "plenty more."

Her head slowly drooped to the side. She was asleep. Phoebe watched her for a while and let her tears fall now. She wished she could do something, anything, to help take away the pain in her sister's heart. But then, perhaps there was something, something she shouldn't do, but something she had too. Quietly she got up, replicated a blanket, and gently put it over her sister. Then she kissed her forehead softly.

"This is for your own good, Kathryn, your own good."

* * *

Chakotay wiped the sweat from his brow. The evening sun was hot and chopping wood was a hard task. He heard his dogs bark in the distance and he turned in the direction of his cabin. There had to be a visitor. His dogs rarely barked otherwise. His cabin was secluded in the mountains. It was quiet, peaceful, no disturbance. Chakotay put down his ax and went around the cabin to the front. Phoebe was standing there. Chakotay had only ever met her once, but he recognized her. It was impossible not too as she looked so much like Kathryn.

"I don't know if you remember me," she began nervously, "but I'm Phoebe, Kathryn's sister."

"Yes," Chakotay replied. "I remember." He stepped closer to her, his heart in his mouth. "Has something happened? Is Kathryn alright?"

"Yes, she's alright," Phoebe replied. "There's just something..." She paused. "There's something I have to tell you."

Chakotay gestured to the door. "Let's go inside."

Phoebe looked around the cabin as they entered. There were comfortable looking chairs around an empty fire place, and beautiful rugs graced a wooden floor. It was the perfect home.

"Kathryn doesn't know I'm here," she said as Chakotay closed the door behind them. "She doesn't want you to know this, but I think that you should." She paused. "The reason Kathryn has behaved towards you the way she has is not because she doesn't love you, but because she does."

"I don't understand," Chakotay said softly.

Phoebe had to look away from his kind brown eyes. What she was going to tell him would hurt him deeply, would change his life forever. She walked over to the window. "A few weeks ago, Kathryn told me something, something that happened to her while she was in the Delta Quadrant. She was upset, crying, and I..." She bit her lip and turned back to Chakotay, going for the plunge. "She was raped, Chakotay. Five years ago."

Tears welled in Chakotay's eyes and his face drained of color. It was a long moment before he spoke.

"But she swore to me that she wasn't. The Doctor swore to me that she wasn't..."

"She altered his memory," Phoebe told him, "manipulated his program."

Chakotay walked over to the fireplace, clearly dazed, shocked. He leant against the fireplace and then, unexpectedly, he thumped the wall. "I shouldn't have believed her," he cried. "I knew they had raped her. I knew it! Why didn't I question her more? Why? Why?"

It had been so obvious, so damned obvious. She had changed after the attack. She had withdrawn herself from the crew, from him. She had cut her hair, had stopped running romantic holonovels on the holodeck. She was no longer the vivacious, passionate, fun loving woman she had been when they were first stranded in the Delta Quadrant. She had lost an innocency, a certain naivety. He clenched his fists again as he remembered the vivacious woman who had flirted with him during the temporal anomaly that fractured Voyager into different time-frames. She had not been adverse to the idea of a relationship with her first officer. He remembered his agony afterwards, how he had gone over and over in his mind what could have happened, what he could have done, to have made her so against the idea. He could only conclude it was because she did not love him. And yet he had been so sure that she did...

Phoebe walked over to him, her own eyes wet with tears now.

"Kathryn's clever. She knew how to hide this. Not even I suspected."

"But I knew it," Chakotay cried, tears choking him now. "I knew it. I should have helped her. I should have protected her. It was my place to protect her."

Phoebe put her hand on his shoulder. "It wasn't your fault, Chakotay. You couldn't have known, couldn't have done anything..."

Chakotay turned to her tearfully. "Where is she now?"

"She's at home, sleeping." She paused. "She's taken to drinking. I didn't know that. It's something else she's hidden. She'll probably sleep now until the morning."

A tear ran down Chakotay's cheek. "Then I'll go and see her tomorrow. I'll wait until the evening, just incase she goes to work." He paused. "How is her work?"

"That's one thing that doesn't seem to have suffered. I suppose it's an escape for her." She paused. "It's not going to be easy, Chakotay. If you have any doubts, any at all, then it's best not to get started in this. Kathryn has a lot of demons to face, a lot of ghosts to put to rest, and keeping all these feelings and fears to herself all these years has just worsened them. She's become afraid of intimacy and getting over that is going to take time and all your love and patience."

"Whatever it takes," Chakotay said tearfully. "Whatever it takes and however long it takes."

* * *

Kathryn was almost asleep on her couch when she heard the door bell ring. She was tired, emotionally and physically drained. She froze at the sound of the bell. It was gone 8pm and she was expecting no one. The door bell rang again. Slowly, she got up, went into the hall, and looked into her security monitor. She gasped when she saw it was Chakotay. She didn't want to open the door, wanted to run a million miles away. He knocked the door with his hand now.

"Kathryn, if you're in, please open the door. We need to talk."

Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes. He knew. She knew in that moment that he knew. Phoebe had told him. Damn her. She had trusted her...

"Please, Kathryn, just open the door."

Kathryn wept softly. She would have to answer the door. She would have to face him. If she didn't, he would only come back. She wiped away her tears and forced herself to open the door.

"I told you I never wanted to see you again," she said coarsely.

"I know," Chakotay said, tears in his eyes. "But can I come in, please?"

Kathryn hesitated, but then opened the door and let him inside. She walked through into her living room and Chakotay followed.

"It doesn't require a telepath to know why you're here," Kathryn said, turning to face him. "Phoebe's told you, hasn't she?"

Chakotay nodded tearfully. "I'm so sorry, Kathryn." A tear ran down his cheek and Kathryn had to avert her eyes at his pain.

"She had no right to tell you," she replied, choking back her own tears. "I didn't want you to know."

Chakotay bridged the gap between them and had to struggle against the urge to take her in his arms. He wanted to hold her tight, to hold her until all her pain had gone, to hold her safe forever.

"You shouldn't have tried to hide what happened," he said softly. "You should have told me, told someone."

"I couldn't," Kathryn replied. "I had to be the captain, always the captain. It seemed the only thing I could do. Please don't be angry with me."

Chakotay hesitated, but then put his hand on her shoulder. "I'm not angry with you, Kathryn. I'm angry that this happened to you, that you thought you had to suffer alone. But I'm not angry with you. I love you. I love you so much." He was weeping now. "All I ever wanted was to protect you, to keep you safe. I'm sorry I wasn't there, Kathryn. I'm so sorry."

Kathryn drew him close and Chakotay held her tight. "You've always been there," she said tearfully. "You've always helped me, more than you know. So many times after it happened I wanted to die, didn't want to go on living. I didn't care if I was killed on an away mission. I wanted to be killed. But you always stopped me being reckless. Sometimes I hated you for it, hated you for loving me."

Chakotay just held her, held her tight. Kathryn savored his embrace, his closeness. She felt so safe in his arms, so completely safe. It was with reluctance that she finally drew away.

"But now you understand. Now you understand why we can never be together. You need to forget about me, to find happiness with someone else."

Chakotay took her hands in his. "I don't want anyone else. I want you, Kathryn, just you."

"But I can't ... you know... don't know if I ever can again ... All I remember is what happened that day in that room ... I can't remember before." A tear ran down her cheek. "All I remember is the pain ... the blood ... the fear..."

Chakotay bit his lip, forcing back the rage he felt at the man who had done this to her, the overwhelming desire to kill him. Kathryn didn't need his rage. She needed his love, needed his kindness and gentleness. He squeezed her hands softly.

"All that matters is that we love each other. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or ever could. There are no ifs, no buts. I love you for all that you are. I love you for your kindness of spirit, for your compassion, for your bravery, for your determination. I love _you_, Kathryn. I love _you_."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek and she leant into him again.

"I love you too, Chakotay. I've always loved you. I just don't want to hurt you anymore."

Chakotay stroked her hair gently. "Then believe in us, Kathryn. Believe in us as much as I do. I love you. I need you. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"I want all that too, Chakotay. I want it more than anything. I want to be able to make love with you. I just ... I 'm so scared, so confused."

"I understand," he whispered. "But we'll get through this together. No more suffering alone. We'll get through this together."

Kathryn clung tighter to him and nodded. For the first time in a long time she believed it. There was finally a light at the end of the dark tunnel she had so painfully traveled through alone.

* * *

_A year later_

The mountain was still, quiet. Kathryn lay in Chakotay's arms on the soft ground, a blazing fire beside them. The sky was a blanket of stars above them. Kathryn gazed at the stars a moment, but then raised herself to look at Chakotay. He smiled at her warmly as their eyes met and she smiled in return. She then leant forward and kissed his lips softly. She then kissed his cheek, his neck, and worked her way back to his lips. Her eyes were bright with desire now as she looked into Chakotay's.

"Shall we go inside?"

Chakotay nodded with a smile. "I'll put the fire out. You go on ahead."

"Alright," Kathryn smiled. She drew away from him and they both stood up. Chakotay went to get a bucket of water they had kept near the fire and Kathryn watched him. Tears suddenly welled in her eyes.

"Chakotay."

He put the bucket down and turned to her.

"Thank you."

"What for?"

"For everything. For your patience, your kindness, but most of all for loving me."

Chakotay picked up the bucket, poured the water over the fire, and then put the bucket down again. Then he walked over to Kathryn and took her hands in his.

"You've done all the hard work, Kathryn. Thank you for loving me, for trusting me."

Kathryn smiled through tears and then drew him close. They held each other tight, held each other long. Then, arm in arm, they left the great outdoors for the sanctuary of their cabin.

THE END


End file.
